beautiful patience :)

I think I’ve been working on too many things at one time. I’m exhausted, worn out, burn out; my soul is being stripped off my body. I feel tired all the time yet my boss said things will get much worse next year. Every single day I have a moment where I go speechless, just staring at empty spaces, wondering how to cope and not feel like giving up.

So this is not the worst yet. Being loaded with duties and responsibilities till creativity productivity inspiration have all died in me like a stinking corpse, is not the worst yet.

I’m grateful. I’m breathing. I’m eating. I’m living. I’m grateful. Alhamdulillah.

Life is a gamble. Every decision you make is an open door to your heart being crushed. After a series of misadventures, sweet talkers didn’t impress me anymore. Handsome boys didn’t impress me anymore. Event-going guys didn’t impress me anymore. Artistically-talented men and the idea of artistically-talented men didn’t impress me anymore. I had enough. I wanted something concrete. I didn’t want text messages or emails or actual conversations filled with deep, smart phrases – come on, I’m a creative writer, I didn’t buy that shit – I wanted something real. I wanted ACTION. I wanted promises and feelings and thoughts put into solid action.

Pada saya, di usia muda dulu, mudah untuk kita dapat orang yang mahu lakukan perkara-perkara bodoh untuk kita. Sebab jahil, sebab kurang matang, sebab darah belia. Tapi di umur yang sudah masak begini, sudah rasional, sudah sempat merasa pelbagai realiti pedih hidup dan tidak mahu membazir masa emas untuk benda sia-sia, payah untuk kita jumpa orang yang sanggup buat perkara-perkara bodoh untuk kita lagi.

Unless he truly believes that you’re worth every effort.

Idealistically, I’d say: Take the risk! Follow your heart!

Realistically, I’d say: Pick the less risky one. Of course, taking any man into your life is risky for that matter, but you should know them; you should be able to identify which is the less risky one. Follow your heart after you’ve prayed and du’a and tawakal consistently. Marry a man, and not a boy. Because a boy would do anything for you to show that he could, while a man would do anything for you because you’re worth it.

Saya pun, bukannya yakin seratus peratus jodoh saya dengan sesiapa saja sampai mati. Mana ada benda yang pasti selain mati. Hidup ini judi. Namun kita tawakal. Kita usaha dan kita tawakal. Yang sendiri, yang berkahwin, semuanya ada sakit masing-masing. Persoalan indah atau tidak, semuanya dalam minda masing-masing.



If only I could tell you how beautiful patience is. :)